1 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,120 The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films 2 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,720 Presents 3 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:29,240 Kin Dza Dza 4 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:48,080 Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia 5 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,840 Director Giorgi Danelia 6 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,640 Cinematography Paval Lebeshev 7 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:03,240 Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezik 8 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,640 Composer Gia Kancheli 9 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,040 Sound Yekaterina Popova 10 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,840 Assistant Director Sergei Skripka 11 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:21,240 Operators L. Bits K. Gevorkyan U. Yakovlev 12 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:47,300 English translation by Andy Hurwitz www.musicinrussia.com 13 00:02:13,330 --> 00:02:14,270 Hi 14 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:15,570 Hi 15 00:02:17,390 --> 00:02:18,570 what's new? 16 00:02:18,870 --> 00:02:21,760 Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory 17 00:02:56,130 --> 00:02:58,070 How's the star schoolboy? 18 00:02:58,660 --> 00:03:00,260 He's out playing... 19 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:04,260 Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you? 20 00:03:07,330 --> 00:03:09,160 And I don't think there's enough macaroni 21 00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:28,560 Comrade, that man says he's from another planet; we need to do something. 22 00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,320 Call 03 23 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:33,570 I will call but he's barefoot - he'll catch cold 24 00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:39,460 Hello! 25 00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:45,420 Hello. Excuse my bad smell. I'm cold. I found this in an iron bin. 26 00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:46,540 Fine. 27 00:03:46,710 --> 00:03:50,600 Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in the tenture? 28 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,140 Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral? 29 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,330 I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home. 30 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,160 We don't know the number. We forgot, my friend. 31 00:04:01,690 --> 00:04:07,170 And now this lad will go and call information, and we'll wait for him in the bakers, okay? 32 00:04:07,530 --> 00:04:09,000 And put this on meanwhile... 33 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:16,490 Thank you... Listen, my friends. There's no need for the bakers, no need for information. 34 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:24,330 This is my planet... 247 in tenture, galaxy Beta, in the spiral. 35 00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:28,510 With this machine you travel in space... 36 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:32,290 So which co-ordinates do I press in order to travel home? 37 00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:35,820 You see time is relative - do you understand this? 38 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,650 Let me make a suggestion. 39 00:04:37,650 --> 00:04:42,070 We'll just press this contact and travel to your home. 40 00:04:42,070 --> 00:04:43,780 But if this machine doesn't work, 41 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:48,800 then you travel with us to where we want to take you, okay? 42 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,570 No, you can't... You need to know... 43 00:04:52,570 --> 00:04:54,570 Yes we can... 44 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,910 So what can you see? Eh? 45 00:05:15,090 --> 00:05:16,450 Sand... 46 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,160 So that gadget worked... 47 00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:26,290 and that idiot, with his holes, he stayed behind? 48 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,950 Don’t worry... 49 00:05:34,070 --> 00:05:37,790 There's the sun, there's sand, there's gravity. 50 00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:41,390 Where are we? We're on Earth. Or... 51 00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:42,270 Or? 52 00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:47,400 No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert... So? 53 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,580 Karakumi? Eh? What other deserts do we have? 54 00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:53,240 Gobi, Sahara... 55 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,650 No, I said OUR deserts! 56 00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:57,070 The only other one is the Kyzylkumi. 57 00:05:57,420 --> 00:06:03,380 No. Let's take it that it's the Karakumi. Eh? 58 00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:06,030 So that means... 59 00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:11,220 The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is this way. Understood? 60 00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:13,580 let's go! 61 00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:22,240 Let's go... let's go! 62 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,780 Comrade, what's your name? 63 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,080 Vladimir Nikolaevich. 64 00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:56,260 And I'm Gedevan. 65 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,730 Pleased to meet you... 66 00:07:14,770 --> 00:07:18,310 You have a bottle in your bag, is it wine? 67 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,910 No, it's wine vinegar. 68 00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:28,800 And some herbs - coriander. 69 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,160 So we'll live well. 70 00:07:36,530 --> 00:07:42,600 Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember what number was given by the guy who took my socks? 71 00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:44,370 No. 72 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:48,560 Only maybe we're on the planet, he came from? 73 00:07:48,970 --> 00:07:54,100 Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess, it's all the same and won’t change a thing! 74 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,400 Now we choose a direction and go. 75 00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:00,820 The most important thing is to reach water. Alright? 76 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,360 Vladimir Nikoaevich, I want to put my slippers on. 77 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,190 Well, put them on! 78 00:08:10,370 --> 00:08:11,960 Then wait! 79 00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:22,040 What's the time? 80 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,520 Four. 81 00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,110 In the morning? 82 00:08:25,110 --> 00:08:26,760 Yes... 83 00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:34,720 Are you late? 84 00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:41,090 I feel uncomfortable... I phoned the airport to say I'd be there in an hour. And here we are... 85 00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:43,800 Are you studying at the conservatory? 86 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:48,340 No, it's someone else's. Professor Rogozina. 87 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:54,410 He gave a harvest concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane. 88 00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:56,120 A banquet? 89 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,010 No, dinner... 90 00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,130 Ah! Are you from Tibilisi? 91 00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:02,370 No, Batumi. 92 00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:06,200 I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train. 93 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:09,440 I study textiles in Ivanova. 94 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,390 Aha... 95 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:16,810 So first I went to MGIMO to return it, to the institute of international relations, but they told me there that... 96 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:19,410 Quiet!... 97 00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:18,360 A man... 98 00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:25,440 Hello... 99 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,600 Capitalist country. 100 00:11:03,410 --> 00:11:05,350 Do you know any languages? 101 00:11:05,410 --> 00:11:07,950 English. Some French. 102 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,600 Tell them we have no money... 103 00:11:13,490 --> 00:11:15,320 Tell them we can't pay them. 104 00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:44,800 Hello! We are from a group of tourists and we've strayed from the group. 105 00:11:45,090 --> 00:11:49,810 Take us to the town, and somehow we'll regroup.... . 106 00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:51,810 Do you speak English? 107 00:11:55,110 --> 00:11:57,530 Parle francais? 108 00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,710 Hello.. 109 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:04,430 Do you speak English? Parle Francais? 110 00:12:07,670 --> 00:12:09,440 ...Sprechen Sie Deutch? 111 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,760 Chatl! 112 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:27,720 No money. Money, documents, currency - all left with the tour guide. 113 00:12:27,890 --> 00:12:33,730 So, that's the result... we turned our backs for a minute and... disappeared in the sands. 114 00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:50,360 Take it. It's warm. 115 00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:54,900 Excuse me, what? 116 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,670 You want my hat? 117 00:13:08,340 --> 00:13:12,820 I'm sorry...it's somebody else's, I can't give it away... 118 00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:19,540 There's nothing in there. 119 00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:21,540 Open it. 120 00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:29,440 It's not wine, it's vinegar. 121 00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:41,290 Sour, eh? 122 00:13:50,670 --> 00:13:54,620 Well friend so it's agreed? You'll take us? 123 00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:57,090 Skripach, quickly... 124 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,410 Like I said we must get to the nearest town, and here's a way we can get there! 125 00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:11,950 The jacket now... 126 00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:32,530 A good thing they don't want the violin. 127 00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:54,700 Now they feel ashamed! 128 00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:12,680 129 00:15:16,390 --> 00:15:17,870 What do you mean 'Ktse'? 130 00:15:22,110 --> 00:15:24,170 He seems to want the matches. 131 00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,470 You want the matches? 132 00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:33,190 There. 133 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,470 The whole box? 134 00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:56,900 Take us away from here, and we'll give you 'koo'. 135 00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:18,490 Not one letter to identify where it's made... 136 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,040 Excuse me, I don't understand... 137 00:17:32,820 --> 00:17:34,820 Do you speak Turkish? 138 00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:46,500 What do they want? 139 00:17:47,970 --> 00:17:50,150 They want Koo! 140 00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:07,250 141 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,730 Thank you... 142 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:18,040 He wants me to wear the bell. 143 00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:22,050 Too bad. 144 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,830 I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich, if it makes him happy... 145 00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,490 Go ahead! 146 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,670 All right, I'm persuaded. 147 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:40,650 I'm going to light up, if that's all right with you... 148 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,370 Quiet, quiet, quiet! 149 00:21:36,550 --> 00:21:40,320 Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we really are on... 150 00:21:42,030 --> 00:21:44,740 Yes! Typical Martians. 151 00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:12,800 Lusenka, darling, pest, it seems to you these...macaroni. 152 00:22:21,650 --> 00:22:29,140 So. We know Russian do we? Why was it necessary to conceal it? 153 00:22:29,780 --> 00:22:36,510 Well we didn't conceal it. It's very difficult to fathom a language, when straight away you're thinking in two languages. 154 00:22:36,510 --> 00:22:41,040 And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know. 155 00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:44,350 Why are you staring at me, maimoona verishvilo. 156 00:22:45,050 --> 00:22:46,880 They know Georgian too... 157 00:22:46,940 --> 00:22:48,590 What did he say? 158 00:22:48,590 --> 00:22:50,120 Ape son of a donkey. 159 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:55,490 So. We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange. 160 00:22:55,490 --> 00:22:57,910 They know us, and where we are, and can find us. 161 00:22:57,910 --> 00:23:04,750 If you're not prepared to let us contact our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions, is that clear? 162 00:23:09,230 --> 00:23:12,760 We don't understand ‘embassy’, put on the bell quickly! 163 00:23:13,470 --> 00:23:21,140 That means you understand macaroni, you understand maimuni, but you don’t know what's an embassy, idiots. 164 00:23:21,730 --> 00:23:25,500 I've had enough! You're morons, understand? 165 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:33,690 You thought about macaroni and I just repeated it. This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend. 166 00:23:33,690 --> 00:23:43,300 It's the planet Pluk, 215 in tenture. In the galactic spiral of Kin Dza Dza. Do you understand? 167 00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:49,380 How do you do? Let's go... 168 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:57,100 Wear the bells, my friend... Wear them. 169 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,700 There we are, well done. 170 00:24:32,950 --> 00:24:34,710 Excuse me, where are we? 171 00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:40,260 Sh! She has very sensitive ears. Do you know the tenture of your own planet? 172 00:24:40,260 --> 00:24:41,200 Tenture? 173 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:45,270 Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral. 174 00:24:45,270 --> 00:24:46,090 In the spiral? 175 00:24:46,090 --> 00:24:47,510 In the spiral. The spiral... 176 00:24:47,510 --> 00:24:47,920 Yes... 177 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:55,530 You know where the earth is. It orbits with such planets as er... Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter... 178 00:24:55,530 --> 00:24:57,470 What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich? 179 00:24:57,470 --> 00:24:59,060 The Great Bear. 180 00:24:59,060 --> 00:25:01,420 Vladimir Nikolaevich - come here. 181 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,380 On your planet do you have more matches? 182 00:25:10,380 --> 00:25:12,150 Well, you'll find them. 183 00:25:12,150 --> 00:25:15,160 How many will you give us if we set you back there? 184 00:25:16,340 --> 00:25:17,930 How many do you need? 185 00:25:17,930 --> 00:25:20,170 Two packs like these! 186 00:25:20,170 --> 00:25:21,350 Seven! 187 00:25:21,350 --> 00:25:22,880 Seven. 188 00:25:23,470 --> 00:25:28,540 But give us what you have now, I will buy a gravitsapa from them. 189 00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:30,660 Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa? 190 00:25:30,660 --> 00:25:35,730 Without a gravitsapa a pepelats can only fly like this, 191 00:25:35,730 --> 00:25:41,160 but with one you can reach any point in the universe - in five seconds. 192 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:46,820 My friends, how is it that you bring a pepelats without a gravitsapa from the garage? It's not in working order. 193 00:25:46,820 --> 00:25:49,880 We had a gravitsapa. But when we arrived here, it broke down. 194 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,060 Aha. 195 00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:53,010 But don't you have a transference machine? 196 00:25:53,010 --> 00:25:53,480 No. 197 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:54,190 No. 198 00:25:54,660 --> 00:25:56,370 Give me the matches. 199 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,490 Give us some water. 200 00:26:19,130 --> 00:26:26,260 Like this! You need to do this! Foo.. You need to do this! Foo...Do this...Foo... 201 00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:29,970 It's yours, now smoke like this. 202 00:26:29,970 --> 00:26:31,970 Thank you. 203 00:26:36,110 --> 00:26:41,060 He says there they have a gravitsapa. Put your matches here. 204 00:26:41,290 --> 00:26:46,250 Here's what we'll do. When you put us on the earth, you can have them... 205 00:26:46,250 --> 00:26:47,370 What do you mean? 206 00:26:47,370 --> 00:26:50,200 Come on, Skripach, to the open cosmos. 207 00:26:50,850 --> 00:26:57,920 Wait! Come back. Come back! 208 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,400 On mother earth you'll get them. 209 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:06,000 Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said if we take you, you will give us them all. 210 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:11,240 But then you stole this match from us. Patsak doesn't cheat patsak it's not nice, my friend... 211 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,190 I said - take us to the town! 212 00:27:13,190 --> 00:27:14,490 And what's this? 213 00:27:14,490 --> 00:27:15,490 A shed. 214 00:27:15,490 --> 00:27:24,040 And what's this? What's this? What's this here - not a town?! 215 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:31,290 You're trying to make fools of us. Show us your gravitsapa. It's a trade thing. We'll take it. 216 00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:42,020 Patsak! What kind of idiots have I got here who give me contraband ktse in front of witnesses, when for that you'll get life imprisonment lying on nails? 217 00:27:42,020 --> 00:27:44,670 Have you got a brain in your head or Kyoo? 218 00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:48,980 We'll buy it ourselves. Come on. 219 00:27:50,750 --> 00:27:54,400 Stop! Stop I say! 220 00:27:59,590 --> 00:28:05,900 Who are you? I asked, who are you? 221 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:08,310 The new foreman. 222 00:28:08,310 --> 00:28:11,320 No. You're a patsak. And who are you? 223 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:12,620 I'm a Georgian. 224 00:28:12,620 --> 00:28:18,460 No, You're a patsak too. You're a patsak, you're a patsak and he's a patsak. 225 00:28:18,460 --> 00:28:21,700 But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian. 226 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:25,940 So you wear the tsak and sit in the pepelats, understand? 227 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:27,650 What? 228 00:28:27,650 --> 00:28:34,430 Watch when I point this device at myself, my friend... which point registers? Green. 229 00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:40,980 Now at him, watch - green too. And at you...Green. 230 00:28:40,980 --> 00:28:45,690 Now look at Uef - which colour? Orange? 231 00:28:45,690 --> 00:28:50,290 Because he is Chatlanian! Well, do you understand? 232 00:28:50,290 --> 00:28:51,290 So what? 233 00:28:51,290 --> 00:28:56,360 Pluk is the Chatlanian planet. Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak... 234 00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:01,490 Yes, and in front of we Chatlanians you must do this... 235 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,270 Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism. 236 00:29:05,620 --> 00:29:07,510 Show us again, please. 237 00:29:08,100 --> 00:29:09,220 Like this! 238 00:29:09,220 --> 00:29:11,100 If you would, a little slower... 239 00:29:11,100 --> 00:29:12,930 Like this. 240 00:29:14,290 --> 00:29:22,840 Vladimir Nikolaevich, you have a wife at home, a son doing badly at school, a cooperative flat you haven't paid for, 241 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:29,910 and you're here...you're brain has gone. It's ended pretty badly, my friend. 242 00:29:34,750 --> 00:29:37,280 Very well, Skripach, let's play their games... 243 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:38,700 There we are, well done. 244 00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:42,350 Now give a match to Uef, and he will buy the gravitsapa. 245 00:29:42,350 --> 00:29:44,240 But it was said that you need them all. 246 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:46,360 I was joking. 247 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,360 Very funny. 248 00:29:50,780 --> 00:29:53,910 Wait. We'll go together... 249 00:29:59,210 --> 00:30:02,220 Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about them. 250 00:30:02,220 --> 00:30:05,400 You show them my ktse. And don't give them more than half a match. 251 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,580 Gravitsapa costs half a match. 252 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,480 Your Patsak said a whole match. 253 00:30:12,710 --> 00:30:14,900 And he was joking. 254 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:33,580 Grade 300 cement? 255 00:30:36,410 --> 00:30:40,130 Patsak! Remember - Half or less. 256 00:30:40,130 --> 00:30:41,310 Okay. 257 00:30:41,310 --> 00:30:44,310 Excuse me - Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality? 258 00:30:44,310 --> 00:30:46,310 No. 259 00:30:46,610 --> 00:30:48,090 Biological factor? 260 00:30:48,090 --> 00:30:49,090 No. 261 00:30:49,090 --> 00:30:50,680 From different planets? 262 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:51,860 No. 263 00:30:51,860 --> 00:30:54,220 So what distinguishes you from one another? 264 00:30:54,220 --> 00:30:58,760 Are you colour blind, Skripach? Green differs from orange doesn't it? 265 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,760 Tourist! 266 00:31:06,710 --> 00:31:08,710 Wow! 267 00:31:10,420 --> 00:31:12,420 Skyscraper! 268 00:31:12,610 --> 00:31:14,740 Come on! 269 00:31:27,770 --> 00:31:29,710 270 00:31:30,010 --> 00:31:35,250 Hello, citizen. You won't feel the cold in that coat, eh? 271 00:31:45,630 --> 00:31:50,760 They will keep me out. They will let you in. Don't give them ktse, 272 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,350 bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it. 273 00:31:54,890 --> 00:31:56,600 Come on... 274 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:01,250 Not you! 275 00:32:01,250 --> 00:32:02,370 We're together! 276 00:32:02,370 --> 00:32:03,610 Not you! 277 00:32:03,610 --> 00:32:06,260 Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him! 278 00:32:06,260 --> 00:32:08,270 It's alright. 279 00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:10,800 Wait here. 280 00:32:17,530 --> 00:32:19,880 Only don't go anywhere! 281 00:32:38,690 --> 00:32:40,520 Hi! 282 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,710 How's life? 283 00:32:49,070 --> 00:32:54,670 You say, bow... but out of respect for the ladies present... 284 00:32:57,730 --> 00:33:00,510 Well what's new on Pluk? 285 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,690 Lay down the ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa. 286 00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:19,140 Half? 287 00:33:20,020 --> 00:33:22,020 Half. 288 00:33:22,850 --> 00:33:24,680 Can I look at it? 289 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,680 Look. 290 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:45,900 In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa, so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian. He'll examine it. 291 00:33:45,900 --> 00:33:48,970 Right. Let's fit the Tsapa. 292 00:34:06,770 --> 00:34:08,900 Bad throat? 293 00:34:13,670 --> 00:34:15,090 Water... 294 00:34:15,090 --> 00:34:23,870 I have a proposal. I'll give you that ktse, and you give me two bottles of water. Agreed? 295 00:34:23,870 --> 00:34:25,870 Let's do it. 296 00:34:37,190 --> 00:34:39,080 Do you have any food? 297 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,910 Kasha... 298 00:34:40,910 --> 00:34:42,910 What sort? 299 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,040 Plastic. 300 00:34:51,760 --> 00:35:02,840 So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha. 301 00:35:06,790 --> 00:35:07,970 For what? 302 00:35:07,970 --> 00:35:09,620 Ktse. 303 00:35:10,620 --> 00:35:12,040 we need to check it again. 304 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,040 Check it! 305 00:35:31,790 --> 00:35:33,850 Oi, just a second! 306 00:35:35,970 --> 00:35:37,740 Wait... 307 00:36:05,220 --> 00:36:10,350 Skripach! Can you obtain more matches on Earth? 308 00:36:11,230 --> 00:36:13,410 I can. 309 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:22,140 If you can spit this further, I'll give you a half chatl. Like so... spit. 310 00:36:22,140 --> 00:36:26,910 If I can, you give me two matches.... 311 00:36:36,940 --> 00:36:37,760 Do you see? 312 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:38,470 No. 313 00:36:38,470 --> 00:36:44,130 It's just a game. I give you half a chatl, you give me three matches. 314 00:36:44,130 --> 00:36:45,480 Go ahead, spit, my son. 315 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,480 Thank you, I'd rather not. 316 00:36:48,430 --> 00:36:56,630 Well fine. Give me one match, or I give you three chatla, yellow trousers and these odds. Go on! 317 00:36:56,630 --> 00:36:58,220 No! 318 00:36:58,220 --> 00:36:59,520 Blue trousers... 319 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,350 Mr Uef, I will not enter such terms and conditions. 320 00:37:02,350 --> 00:37:11,010 Are you going to change your mind? Why are you annoying me, maimoona verishvilo? 321 00:37:13,550 --> 00:37:19,860 Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet, and I demand that you follow our lexicon! 322 00:37:47,740 --> 00:37:49,810 Where are they? 323 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:51,160 Who? 324 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:55,230 The one with a scar, who I like an idiot gave all the matches to. 325 00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:07,870 Quiet, my friends. Enough! 326 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:14,650 Enough? What do you mean enough? I told him a thousand times we need to go to the centre. 327 00:39:14,650 --> 00:39:19,780 But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'for two chatlas cheaper!' 328 00:39:21,250 --> 00:39:23,900 Well there's still one. 329 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,450 As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa. 330 00:39:31,090 --> 00:39:33,340 Give it to me. Here. 331 00:39:33,340 --> 00:39:34,400 Why? 332 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:36,520 To buy a gravitsapa. 333 00:39:38,350 --> 00:39:39,820 Where? 334 00:39:39,820 --> 00:39:42,360 There, in the centre. 335 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:49,780 And how will you return us to Mother Earth, when you don't even know in which galaxy she orbits? 336 00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:55,390 The number of your planet, idiot, any planetarium in the centre will give out for two chatlas! 337 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:58,750 So you'll give me the match? 338 00:39:59,220 --> 00:40:01,400 So you can cover us in sand? 339 00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,990 So you won't give it? 340 00:40:02,990 --> 00:40:04,110 No. 341 00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:06,700 And you won't change your mind? 342 00:40:06,700 --> 00:40:09,120 That won't happen! 343 00:40:13,540 --> 00:40:16,670 Then goodbye, my friend. 344 00:40:22,390 --> 00:40:24,390 They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich. 345 00:40:24,510 --> 00:40:27,930 They won't go anywhere, they'll hang themselves for a match. 346 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:44,790 Either you agree to give us that match, or we won't take you to the Earth for less than seven boxes! 347 00:40:49,570 --> 00:40:52,040 Two thousand. 348 00:40:52,570 --> 00:40:54,460 Three 349 00:40:54,460 --> 00:40:56,520 Two thousand three hundred 350 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,290 Three 351 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,430 Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more. 352 00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,970 You can, my friend. 353 00:41:12,150 --> 00:41:14,210 Mr Bee, 354 00:41:16,860 --> 00:41:23,110 I have 50 rubles, matches cost 2 kopeks a box, 355 00:41:23,110 --> 00:41:26,470 that means I can buy two and a half thousand... 356 00:41:26,470 --> 00:41:30,720 Skripach you're lying! You have more chatls. 357 00:41:34,900 --> 00:41:40,620 Mr Uef! I am not Skripach to you! My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich... 358 00:41:49,290 --> 00:41:51,120 what's that, an engine? 359 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:53,480 Don't poke your nose in every hole! 360 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:55,720 ...Gedevan Alexandervich... 361 00:41:59,140 --> 00:42:04,970 Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now, and take a course to the North. 362 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,330 Why? 363 00:42:07,330 --> 00:42:10,160 Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there? 364 00:42:12,050 --> 00:42:14,290 Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich, you've gone out of your mind, my friend. 365 00:42:14,290 --> 00:42:20,770 Where on Pluk is there a sea? They made fuel from them long ago. 366 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:24,660 Sorry, they made what? 367 00:42:24,660 --> 00:42:26,730 Fuel, Skripach, fuel... 368 00:42:29,620 --> 00:42:32,150 Now you owe us six thousand, one hundred and forty boxes. 369 00:42:32,150 --> 00:42:34,570 How has it accumulated so much? 370 00:42:34,570 --> 00:42:38,220 You ate the kasha, you drank the water... and took the bandura. 371 00:42:39,820 --> 00:42:43,820 No, delete the bandura... we don't want the bandura. Put it down... 372 00:42:52,730 --> 00:42:58,090 Let's at least take something technical, if not who will believe it? 373 00:42:58,090 --> 00:43:02,100 Now give them the violin, if you like it so much. 374 00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:09,770 It's an 18th century Italian violin, and cost 1000 rubles, if not more. 375 00:43:09,770 --> 00:43:12,070 How will I pay for it? 376 00:43:14,420 --> 00:43:20,320 Skripac, instead of thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut, 377 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:28,220 give back the spoon you stole from a poor artist. 378 00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:32,350 I never thought of such a thing... 379 00:43:37,950 --> 00:43:42,660 I wanted to return it to the institute of non-ferrous metals, something new... 380 00:43:43,780 --> 00:43:50,680 Heavens! The heavens never saw such a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach. 381 00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:53,630 I am deeply sad. 382 00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:00,350 Where are you going? 383 00:44:00,350 --> 00:44:01,770 To the toilet. 384 00:44:01,770 --> 00:44:08,370 You can't go to the toilet with money, money is left here. Gedevan Aleksandervich. 385 00:44:44,630 --> 00:44:46,930 Ktse are very dear, my friend. 386 00:44:46,930 --> 00:44:49,170 Why? 387 00:44:49,170 --> 00:44:54,890 Well now, on Earth, how do you determine who should squat in front of whom and how many times? 388 00:44:54,890 --> 00:44:57,720 Well, you just have a feel for it. 389 00:44:58,250 --> 00:45:05,560 Barbarian! Listen, I've started to like you, and I'm teaching you. 390 00:45:05,730 --> 00:45:11,220 If I have a few ktse, I have the right to wear yellow trousers. 391 00:45:11,340 --> 00:45:17,580 And in front of me a patsak should squat not one, But two times. 392 00:45:17,580 --> 00:45:25,430 If I have many ktse, I have the right to wear crimson trousers, 393 00:45:25,430 --> 00:45:33,800 and a patsak should squat twice in front of me, and chatlanian say koo. 394 00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:40,170 And the Etsilop don't have the right to beat me at night. Never. 395 00:45:42,230 --> 00:45:50,660 I have a suggestion, my friend. You give us the match, now, and we'll then give you yellow trousers, okay? 396 00:45:51,720 --> 00:45:54,370 Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs them. 397 00:45:54,380 --> 00:45:58,320 Skripach! Here are some interplanetary trousers for sale. 398 00:45:59,150 --> 00:46:01,740 Yellow ones. Do you want them? 399 00:46:03,340 --> 00:46:05,040 Skripach isn't here, my friend. 400 00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:05,870 Why not? 401 00:46:05,870 --> 00:46:07,400 I ejected him. 402 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:13,650 But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich we have another ejector seat. A new one. It's all in order. 403 00:46:13,650 --> 00:46:15,420 I don't understand... 404 00:46:15,420 --> 00:46:18,840 I pressed the button - he flew. 405 00:46:19,250 --> 00:46:24,680 We don't need Skripach, my friend, he only uses extra fuel... 406 00:46:34,820 --> 00:46:37,240 Turn around! 407 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:38,470 Not possible... 408 00:46:38,470 --> 00:46:41,360 Fuel is finished. We need to fly to the fuel station. 409 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:46,430 Turn around! Or this damned match will burn now! 410 00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:50,910 Gedevan! 411 00:46:55,220 --> 00:46:57,630 Skripach! 412 00:47:01,410 --> 00:47:03,590 Skripach! 413 00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:16,800 What can have become of him? 414 00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:20,450 You've been told. The etsilops have caught him. 415 00:47:21,100 --> 00:47:22,400 Well let's fly, my friend. 416 00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:24,170 I could murder you! 417 00:47:28,650 --> 00:47:31,180 Get in touch with the epsilops by radio! 418 00:47:31,770 --> 00:47:34,480 But we don't have a radio, we threw it out. 419 00:47:35,070 --> 00:47:36,600 I'll be back... I'll take a look... 420 00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,600 Epsilop! 421 00:47:47,340 --> 00:47:49,400 Put on the tsak, quick... 422 00:47:51,290 --> 00:47:52,820 put on the tsak. 423 00:47:52,820 --> 00:47:54,650 Leave it! 424 00:48:07,030 --> 00:48:11,390 Put it on, or he will trankluk you. You and the match. 425 00:49:05,750 --> 00:49:07,630 Good day. 426 00:49:07,630 --> 00:49:11,110 Listen, friend, We lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him? 427 00:49:13,350 --> 00:49:15,300 What? 428 00:49:27,330 --> 00:49:32,100 O! Sorry, I forgot... They said you picked him up. 429 00:50:12,020 --> 00:50:15,730 I said we don't need Skripach. I said it. 430 00:50:15,730 --> 00:50:18,850 Now how do we buy luts? How? 431 00:50:24,750 --> 00:50:27,050 You're a disease, my friend... 432 00:50:27,050 --> 00:50:29,880 He's worse. He's just kyoo. 433 00:51:05,190 --> 00:51:11,210 Here's a suggestion. We find Skripach, and fly to the local government... 434 00:51:11,210 --> 00:51:13,570 Bring a little sand, my friend... 435 00:51:14,980 --> 00:51:17,990 We tell him who we are, where we're from... 436 00:51:20,410 --> 00:51:28,720 They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll organise some mutually beneficial trade 437 00:51:30,490 --> 00:51:35,320 you give us yellow trousers and we give you as many ktse as you want. 438 00:51:35,970 --> 00:51:39,090 To fly to the government - we need to have a gravitsapa. 439 00:51:39,090 --> 00:51:42,220 The governers live on another planet, my friend. 440 00:52:27,790 --> 00:52:30,510 Uncle Vova! I'm here! 441 00:52:32,980 --> 00:52:34,690 Here... 442 00:52:49,550 --> 00:52:50,490 Skripach! 443 00:52:50,490 --> 00:52:51,200 What! 444 00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:53,560 And where... My thing, what is it... 445 00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:55,560 Tsak? 446 00:52:56,510 --> 00:52:58,100 Well? 447 00:52:58,980 --> 00:53:00,220 I have it. 448 00:53:00,220 --> 00:53:01,280 So give it to me! 449 00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:02,340 Why here? 450 00:53:02,340 --> 00:53:04,520 Well, just give it to me, I said! 451 00:53:08,240 --> 00:53:09,950 There's noone here. 452 00:53:11,240 --> 00:53:12,420 That's mine. 453 00:53:12,420 --> 00:53:14,550 Alright, then keep it ready. 454 00:53:34,650 --> 00:53:36,710 You asleep? 455 00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,430 No. 456 00:53:39,430 --> 00:53:41,610 Don't lose heart, Skripach. 457 00:53:41,610 --> 00:53:45,140 If there is a gravitsapa on this Plyuk, we'll get it. 458 00:53:46,150 --> 00:53:48,510 We've got scarcer things... 459 00:53:52,810 --> 00:53:54,750 Listen! 460 00:53:57,410 --> 00:53:59,880 Eh! Wait! 461 00:54:01,180 --> 00:54:03,830 Listen, drop us off in the centre. 462 00:54:03,830 --> 00:54:05,130 Patsak! Stop. 463 00:54:05,130 --> 00:54:06,780 What? 464 00:54:07,490 --> 00:54:12,030 Don't come any closer. Why do you want? 465 00:54:12,030 --> 00:54:13,800 Take us to the centre!... 466 00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:15,800 Three chatlas.. 467 00:54:16,270 --> 00:54:19,630 No money! But we'll work for it! 468 00:54:19,630 --> 00:54:21,520 And what can you do? 469 00:54:22,170 --> 00:54:24,470 Me? I can do everything! 470 00:54:24,470 --> 00:54:25,350 And what exactly? 471 00:54:25,350 --> 00:54:32,020 Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder foreman, he can build you a house 472 00:54:32,020 --> 00:54:34,080 And what can you do? 473 00:54:34,670 --> 00:54:36,020 Me? 474 00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:39,270 He can play the violin! 475 00:54:40,390 --> 00:54:42,450 Play... 476 00:54:42,980 --> 00:54:44,160 Play. 477 00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:47,230 I can't! 478 00:54:47,230 --> 00:54:49,290 See you around, Patsaks. 479 00:54:49,290 --> 00:54:53,590 Woman! Wait! I can play! 480 00:54:53,590 --> 00:54:55,590 Play! 481 00:54:55,590 --> 00:54:57,190 Here? 482 00:54:57,190 --> 00:54:59,370 There! 483 00:55:20,240 --> 00:55:23,720 Wait a minute...I can tune this up... 484 00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:30,560 Play. 485 00:55:33,630 --> 00:55:35,920 And sing. 486 00:55:39,290 --> 00:55:41,640 Wait, wait! 487 00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:44,300 How does it go... 488 00:55:44,300 --> 00:55:49,600 Mama, mama, what should I do?... 489 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,900 Cool! 490 00:55:51,900 --> 00:55:53,140 What? 491 00:55:53,140 --> 00:55:54,790 I said, 'Cool!' 492 00:55:54,790 --> 00:55:56,090 These people like it. 493 00:55:56,090 --> 00:55:57,030 What? 494 00:55:57,030 --> 00:55:59,030 These people like it! 495 00:56:19,550 --> 00:56:20,850 Let me be a drummer. 496 00:56:20,850 --> 00:56:21,500 How? 497 00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:26,390 Foreman! 498 00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:29,100 We don't need Skripach! 499 00:56:31,460 --> 00:56:35,530 Don't worry, he can be useful. Give us some water to drink, eh? 500 00:56:35,530 --> 00:56:38,180 I said, after the performance. 501 00:56:38,180 --> 00:56:41,070 And we could take it by force. 502 00:56:44,260 --> 00:56:46,970 Then you'd have to ask us. 503 00:56:46,970 --> 00:56:50,560 Oo! Touch me - etselop will come and pull off your legs. 504 00:56:50,560 --> 00:56:52,980 I don't give a damn about your etsilop! 505 00:56:52,980 --> 00:56:56,110 Calm down, Skripach. Don't provoke the lady... 506 00:56:57,990 --> 00:57:00,230 Foreman! 507 00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:13,560 Look..... 508 00:57:19,630 --> 00:57:22,110 Alright, I understand. 509 00:57:23,580 --> 00:57:28,240 Listen, do you know anyone with a gravitsapa and a pepelats? 510 00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:29,770 Why? 511 00:57:29,770 --> 00:57:34,430 Well he could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him... 512 00:57:35,900 --> 00:57:40,260 I understand that your people don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking... 513 00:57:43,390 --> 00:57:46,460 ...that your wife is phoning the morgues. 514 00:57:46,460 --> 00:57:49,700 No, what exactly now I'm thinking. 515 00:57:50,290 --> 00:57:51,880 What you're going to give us. 516 00:57:51,880 --> 00:57:53,820 Then it's the truth. 517 00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:58,600 What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth? 518 00:57:59,780 --> 00:58:01,730 Absurd! 519 00:58:02,260 --> 00:58:10,270 So because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, so you live in cages. 520 00:58:10,270 --> 00:58:18,350 All this bitter cataclysm which I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too... 521 00:58:18,350 --> 00:58:23,600 Patsaks have to perform in a cage, so we need a cage. Why show off? 522 00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:26,490 Doesn't matter, my dear, we will sing beside the cage. 523 00:58:26,490 --> 00:58:29,670 Get in the cage or he will see us, and will trankluk you. 524 00:58:29,670 --> 00:58:31,260 We're not animals. 525 00:58:31,260 --> 00:58:32,970 What??? 526 00:58:34,620 --> 00:58:35,740 No you will come inside! Come inside! 527 00:58:35,740 --> 00:58:36,450 Let go! 528 00:58:36,450 --> 00:58:37,220 You will get in! 529 00:58:37,220 --> 00:58:38,570 Wait! 530 00:58:38,570 --> 00:58:40,220 Get in! 531 00:58:45,590 --> 00:58:48,240 Get in, or he will melt us! 532 00:58:48,770 --> 00:58:52,960 Okay, get in Skripach. If she wants it that badly. 533 00:58:53,610 --> 00:58:55,610 Get in. 534 00:59:00,270 --> 00:59:04,570 One two three... 535 00:59:04,570 --> 00:59:06,340 Dance! 536 00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:07,520 Dance... 537 00:59:07,520 --> 00:59:11,000 You know, try to find another ensemble... my friend. 538 00:59:12,650 --> 00:59:14,420 What??? 539 00:59:25,030 --> 00:59:27,040 I'll be back. 540 00:59:30,810 --> 00:59:35,470 We've got to get out of here. Boys, push the cart, it's uphill. 541 00:59:35,580 --> 00:59:38,300 The pleasure is ours... 542 00:59:45,430 --> 00:59:47,020 Gas! 543 00:59:47,020 --> 00:59:49,380 See you, bastards! 544 01:00:09,070 --> 01:00:11,960 I will tell everybody... 545 01:00:11,960 --> 01:00:17,920 ...where this buffoon PZh has led the planet. 546 01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:24,280 Patsaks have walked all over chatlanians! 547 01:00:31,770 --> 01:00:35,070 Well, everything there? 548 01:00:35,070 --> 01:00:37,490 She stole the eau de cologne. 549 01:00:38,430 --> 01:00:40,200 Women!... 550 01:00:45,800 --> 01:00:50,700 Hang on, is that lead you got there? 551 01:00:50,700 --> 01:00:53,050 Let me, uncle Vova. 552 01:01:29,610 --> 01:01:33,560 I don't even know which way to look. 553 01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:35,920 Where's the Earth? 554 01:01:52,540 --> 01:02:00,440 Galina Borisovna! Comrade Mashkov and I, as patsaks, could receive two chatlas for a performance - it's the maximum. 555 01:02:00,440 --> 01:02:05,450 Water, luts and fines for epsilops - a minimum of one chatl a day. 556 01:02:05,450 --> 01:02:10,410 And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse! That's two thousand two hundred chatls. 557 01:02:10,410 --> 01:02:18,950 Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get six. And that's for those six years when I had no way of returning! 558 01:02:19,780 --> 01:02:23,490 That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words. 559 01:02:23,490 --> 01:02:29,980 Where is the proof, that you arrived from the cosmos, and didn't sell the violin, as Professor Rogozin alleges, 560 01:02:29,980 --> 01:02:33,630 and spent all this time in a disoteque in Garak? 561 01:02:34,340 --> 01:02:36,760 Here's some rock. 562 01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:39,770 Here's a chatl. 563 01:02:41,240 --> 01:02:42,540 Here's a tsak. 564 01:02:42,540 --> 01:02:49,910 And a nut and sand I attached to the explanation report and handed in to Dean Raechke, so that it could be sent to UNESCO. 565 01:02:49,910 --> 01:02:51,090 Where? 566 01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:53,090 UNESCO. 567 01:02:55,330 --> 01:03:03,230 You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You study for one term and disappear for a year! And explain yourself... 568 01:03:03,230 --> 01:03:12,550 With some pebble, some piece of old Caucas ceramics, and a donkey bell! 569 01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:18,680 A candidate for... well, as to that, if you have musical talent, 570 01:03:18,680 --> 01:03:22,800 then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers course? 571 01:03:22,800 --> 01:03:28,170 You will excuse me, Skripach, but it's elementary koo!